JACQUI

I loved.  I cant help that I really am an 80's chick.  I dont tell many that, they would think I was insane.  Anyway I woke up this morning with a track thats over 25yrs old in my head.  Dont look down by Go West lol.  So it playing on my Media Player, pouring around my room from my sub woofers and my neighbours I hope were awake already.  Have a great day.

 

jacq

Well I have neither wishes or weeds.  I do need to lose 6lbs so thats my target for next week.  I'm going out and have bought a scarlet bustier top.  I'm not sure what I was thinking about but a top with stainless steel bones was perhaps not the greatest of ideas.  So the 6lbs will allow me to actually breathe.  I think its a throwback to wearing black 6 days a week now.  Whenever I go out I go like a different woman.  I wear bright stuff.  Ah well,  I'm here on earth just this once.  I'm not into blending and I do prefer to stand out.  Bustier top will get my noticed lol..

 

So Cumbernauld has sunshine?  A bright day with no sign of rain.  The new housing estate thats been built up our road is almost complete.  Its called, well, same as my road and I nearly typed it haha.  It has a mixture of house sizes.  When I went up to see it I had a pang of envy.  It does have a few 5 bed houses but 1 extra bedroom would make little difference.  I did think about moving but at least in this house we have options if we need to hide.  A terrace house I just dont see working for me.  Over the last couple of years I have invested time into this one so?  The pany of envy was just that, a pang.

 

 

Well, house shit to be done and I may actually manage to get some washing out today. 

 

Living in light

jacqui

Like Ultravox.  I'm a music sponge.  Mention a band or track  & I walk about with it all day in my head.  Midge Ure has a great voice but Ultravox?  Not my personal taste.  My music today was the Stereophonics, Handbags & gladrags (sponges, Enjoy!!!) Okay, moving on.  Work is so very busy currently.  I'm excited every morning as I open up.  Takings have increased by almost 100% this week.

 

So its Friday night.  I have every track of Nickelback downloaded and an oven or 2 that need cleaned.  Work tomorrow so its a quick dye the hair job and early to bed for me.  For all who party like its a Friday,.  Enjoy.

 

Living in happy light

Jacqui

Glasgow.  It aint the same as it used to be.  We did go out but ended back at my mates house.  Its incredible entering a child-free zone.  Cream carpets with a cream leather sofa.  Not a speck in sight.  Even her toilet is spotless.  O how I enjoyed my moment of envy before I remembered.  I get fun, laughter and a great time with my messy brood.  Put them up agianst a clean sterile place and they win.  I will keep my messy, insane lot. 

 

I did take a bottle of chardonnay.  We were giggling our way through it till I realised, it was alcohol free.  Who noticed.  It proves the point you dont need to get steaming drunk to have fun.  I didnt get home till 1am.  Bless but Ja was waiting at the door to get in.  I did feel tired when I got up at 6am.  The joys of old age eh??  I'm tired so off to bed.

 

light on

jacqui

My daughter Hope is usually a delight.  In the morning she ges ready for school with no complaints.  This morning she was whining about a sore stomach.  I thought that was code for she hadn't done her homework.  Homework done and she is given medicine.  She did go to school her usual happy self so I went to work.  I thought no more about it.  I'm in work alone and my mobile buzzes.  Hope had been sent home from school.  She had been at her desk less than 10mins.  She did try to catch her teachers eye but too late.  Vomit attack hit her homework and most of the surrounding desk.  The janitor appeared and cleaned up the mess.  A phone call and her Dad has her in the car and home in less than 3mins.  She settles on a sofa, him on other and sleepyland was visited for both of them.

 

Work was a boring place today.  Only 3 staff and since I had re-stocked before anyone else had arrived all I had to do was the banking and try and sort the rota for my Christmas leave.  Not an easy task.  One day off and I returned to chaos.  It appears that my job may look easy when in fact its a little more technical than any of them realised.  i have to balance on a daily basis and set my targets accordingly.  No one wants to touch the cash.  Every time the takings are off suspicion raises its head and no one wants to take responsibility for it.  I long since let go of any responsibility so I dont worry about it.  That takes practice.  Maybe during the festive period I could go in every other day and do my banking and accounts.  Not ideal but I dread what will happen if I dont. 

 

I'm feeling really tired today.  My arms are still aching and my head is banging.  I'm off out to Glasgow for a natter with my best friend.  Whenever I get an SOS text from her I just know whats wrong.  Ita a man.  It wont even be a worthy man but I do have ears and I do at least listen.  I fail to see or understand why any human in there 40's would still want/desire to buy into the everlasting love's out there bullshit.  Its ticking boxes that count, not love.  Suitability of a partner should not ever come down to love, thats a disaster waiting to happen.  Cynical or realistic, its my view.  Dating should be fun and uncomplicated.  Let in that emotion and frankly, your fucked.  At least we both have work tomorrow so will stay sober.  I'm hoping that we can at least have some peace from the drunks who just dont understand why we dont get that they're god's gift.  Drunken Glasweign men just dont get it.  Whenever we go out the drunks come out to play too.

 

living in light

jacqui

 

I really dont mind toy adverts.  The guys who create them need to make there money.  I am however a bit irked by the high volume of "new" stuff currently flooding the market via most of the cartoon channels.  In one advert break I counted no less than 4 with every item over £20.  O and I will not be pressured into allowing add-ons to Christmas lists.

 

I got 2 telephone calls last night.  That in itself is unusual.  My door & phone are rarely used after 9pm.  My kiddie world likes its quiet.  Anyway, phone call 1 was about my Mothers 70th birthday which is next month.  My Aunt Kate phoned.  Weirdly, I'm much more like her.  She's a few years younger than my mother and whilst I dont see her H does work for her taxi company so we do hear about each other.  She is coming to my Mums birthday lunch so  we spoke about gifts.  What do you get someone who is 70?  I played safe and got her a piece of glass.  Cop out but she isnt into jewellery and a designer anything would be lost.  My Mother is known to have the attitude that if something costs more than £9.99 she wont ever buy it let alone appreciate it.  Maybe thats changed, I dont think so..  2nd phone call was to my sister Kate so just a lot of laughter, if to late for me.

 

So maybe is my word currently.  I found myself last night saying it a lot.  Maybe is a fabulous word.  Somewhere stuck between yes & no its not an agreement or rejection.  Its a word that leaves the hope of possibilities and I dont use it nearly enough.  I'm going to use it today and actually watch the reaction.  My arms feel like lead today.  I almost picked up my weights last night in a moment of boredom.  Be warned if you do get the swine flu vaccine your arm will go stiffer than the other flu one lol.  Will let you know when it wears off.

 

living in light

jacqui

Great track from Tears for Fears. 

 Anyway, people in work asked the question "are you pregnant" on hearing about my vaccination against swine flu.  A bit like my mothers reaction they dont get that having had 2 strokes my immune system isn't what it should be.  Death of cells in the brain seems to have far reaching effects.  I just go with it.  Do what I'm told and still keep smoking, much to the disgust of the cheeky cow of a nurse who gave me my normal flu jab.  She went through the list of complaints and eventually looked at me and sighed "well, what is up with you".  I could have replied well, I'm not a rude, pig ignorant woman like you for a start but given she had the power and the impending needle I just gave the standard reply of cerebal infarctions.  She went into one with a you still smoke.  You must be mad given its already caused you damage.  Ok I did smoke at 18yrs old but my stroke was caused by a bout of chicken pox.  At 26yrs, when I had my 2nd I wasnt smoking so how she can blame something I wasnt even doing goodness only knows.  She tried to tell me that nicotine replacement is the way to go.  Ah bisto.  The cessatation clinic is sponsored by Nicotinell, get where I'm coming from.  Leave the cigarettes and get hooked on the replacement - good plan.  A money making business endorsed by the NHS, they must be so bloody proud.  We're idiots to smoke.  Not big enough idiots that I buy into the replacement business.  One addiction swapped for another.  Nope, not for me.

 

So vaccine for swine flu is given by a GP.  He wont give the 2 because he's stuck for time, bless.  I have to go back to the waiting room and wait for stroppy drawers.  When she eventually comes at me with her needle she gets a surprise.  Muscle.  I use weights, much to her surprise she give a "I wasnt expecting that".  I look at her blankly and she says "Your arms just look big but thats actually muscle".  Thats possibly because I lift a 10kg weight?  Fk, think I should increase the mass of my arm just so by next year, I may actually be able to bend her needle.  She did get me good though.  Because she hit muscle the sting started immediately.  I felt queezy and needed to sit down.  I might have strength in my arms but on the inside I'm jelly lol..

 

Light on

jacqui

I'm not a lover of needles.  Blood tests or simple injections, I dont like.  I feel uncomfortable whenever someone says stay still.  Hello, I know I take meds but they're not miracle workers.  Tell me to stay still, I shake; lots.  Today I'm not looking forward to getting my swine flu & other flu vaccine.  Okay, good news is I am getting the swine flu.  Bad news my practice only started giving it out last week.  I dont want to be at the top of the list; thanks but I would rather not be above pregnant women and Lung & heart patients.  My practice is going through the neuro patients first.  Doesnt fill me with confidence.  I actually forget I'm not "normal" sometimes lol..  Goodie, I am not normal haha.  Never wanted to be just normal anyway.

 

I'm in a happy zone.  Kids are going back to school.  I get back to work and after just one day off I know I have stuff to sort from yesterday.  I'm not looking forward to my fortnight off for christmas.  I may just switch my mobile off and hope with crossed fingers they dont realise my home phone number is somewhere.  Anyway breakfast is over.  Kids chore lists are going well.  I hadnt intended to make it a competition but they have.  I, just going with it.  I still get the odd cup on the worktop but nothing else.  If they make toast they put the toaster away.  I am a week through my 3wk rule in my kitchen and the only things on my worktops are kettle and coffee maker.  My sitting room is still clear of the dreaded clothes.  Clothes are now put away.  When they're dirty they are put in a laundry bag and put in the cupboard!!  The washing has been sorted, at least for younger kids.  I'm not a big fan of oldest doing his own but I will get him out of that habit.  I will be making a sign that says washing is done in strict rotation and no exceptions will be tolerated.  I could still moan but no point to that.  The big stuff is ticking well and that makes it easier to huff when the dreaded tea-spoon is left out, dont know what thats about.

 

living in light

jacqui

School is off today.  One of those silly peace days for teachers.  Called an in-service day.  I prefer to call it, let the mums put up with them day.  A day off work, thats a laugh.  Despite telling them where I keep the weekly figures totals they phone up.  They do a £200 over-ring?  They phone me.  They need to forward a phone number?  Yeh lets just phone Jacqui.  & kids making noise, no problemo.  It would have been easier just to go to blooming work this morning.  I thought everybody knew where everything is kept.  Maybe they just dont notice what I'm doing?

 

Yet more Christmas stuff arrived this morning.  Its impossible to say anything when great hulking boxes arrive with Toys r us stickers all over them.  Luckily my children are all aware that santa is a very busy man & Mums help out by buying some of the stuff.  We even help with wrapping whem he's busy and we  drop them at his warehouse.  How nice of us Mums to be able to help Santa at such a busy time.  I think it would be nice if we didnt have to pay quite so much but it is only money.  I'm up at £1090 so far.  This year I'm keeping a tab on the kids stuff and fingers crossed I dont run out of cash.  H has given £150 towards it.  How cute are men or is it mine lol.  I can see a bigger picture.  Christmas is about the kids and I wont moan about the money,  I refuse to let self indulgent crap ruin the feel good factor of getting them exactly what they want.  If my teenager could get enthusiastic about anything other than Lacoste trainers I would be happier but alas, he wont.  His big must have is Lacoste trainers but thats all he can come up with.  I have moved the kids total to £250.  Most were over the £200 anyway and it was simpler moving it.  Thats still £1750 but that's it (I hope).  To some I know its not a lot and to some its beyond them.  I'm in the middle so I am just grateful I have it.  All my shopping has been organised for the kids but the adults have to wait until I'm finished actually buying for them.

 

Goodness, it'll soon be time to buy the blooming turkey.  Where has this year gone eh??

 

living in light

jacqui

Tht christmas thing, I mean.  My shopping began with a very nice Argos shop.  £600 and I haven't even scratched the surface of the lists.  I figure if I start now I may actually have a chance of getting most of the toys before they run out.  I had a heart stopping moment when a skating puppy seemed to be out of stock at every shop I tried.  Its the must have for all girls aged 9 in my area.  Of course its the only present on my daughter Hope's lst that she really wants.  Go  figure.  It was found but she has been left wondering if I will ever find one.

 

Wolverine is the choice of all 5yr olds.  Kids are so easily herded up.  One wants something and the dominoe effect begins.  The various Ipod's and mobile phones will be trickled in when I have time to find the one's wanted, in the correct colour and bought in multiples of 5's lol..  As well as shopping I have managed to fit in work.  Its gettting busy.  Helped by our christmas windowsandour taking are up.  Its encouraging that it my shift that seems to be pulling in the money and I leave smugly knowing we have done our bit.  It just seems to be work, shopping, work. 

 

spasming Gall Bladder and 7lbs have been lost this week.  A diet of cu-a-soup and porridge does make you

 

Living in light

Jacqui

I had my daughter Jennifers parents night tonight.  It was very strange being back in the school I spent 6 very happy years in.  I  dont know what I expected to hear.  All teachers are very politically correct.  Jennifer has aways been very happy at school and very studious so I had expected the balh, blah.  I got it but then I got hit with the how would you feel if we decided to fast-track her to her O'levels in 2nd year?  Well, that was a surprise.  In Maths she has almost completed her 1st & 2nd year work so not much to do there.  In English, its the same story.  In Geography she is the highest achiever out of her year and despite only doing it since Aug she is coming out with 100% in tests??   Latitudes I may have heard of but I have no idea what the dickens they are never mind having to work them out.  I dont need to.  I took history haha.  I sat very quietly.  I often wonder about Jennifer.  She doesnt give much away but her brain is obviously a  little hive of activity.

 

Jennifer to her credit works hard.  Joy on the other hand is on a par with where Jennifer was at 10yrs old and she doesnt put any effort into it.  Joy has a weird ability to pick school stuff up without trying and I find that one a scarey prospect.  I just hope that Joy slows down or I will be in this position again in a couple of years.  I dont want to hold Jennifer back but I dont want her racing ahead too fast.  If she begins her O'levls at 13 she still has another 3yrs to do at school and I think fast-tracking 3 subjects may be a bit much.  We have to wait until the new year before a decision will be made so until then she will just continue to do her thing I guess.

 

Tomorrow I will turn into a proud gushy mummy so thought I would put it here first.  O and my eldest I have heard is thinking of getting engaged.  Not from him but from a friend of a friend.  I'm hoping its chinese whispers.  I know, hes a young man.  He can make his own decisions and I am not getting involved.  All I did say to him was you know I'm here when you want  my ears.  I'm just grateful hes not thinking of having kids.  With that thought I'm off to bed.

 

Living in light

jacqui

 

 

Well the new hall carpet is gubbed.  I have bought an industrial shampoo to put into the carpet cleaner I bought thats never been used.  I had hoped it could stay in the box fo a lifetime but I hadnt figured on my children.  My house is still a haven for clean & tidy.  I think its 3rd week.  When anything new is started its said with kids it takes 3wks for a new habit to become routine so I think I won.  The battle for tidy had its hiccups but they seem to have grasped that its not acceptable and I hope it continues.

 

Hope with children doesnt actually work.  It takes persistance and a blind faith that my way is the right way to influence them.  We still have the continual bickering between them but sibling do that.  I am now stepping back unless I think they are in danger of hurting each other.  I am not of the belief that conflict is a bad thing.  I dont agree with running and taking cover so the fact that they can articulte there feeling is all good.  Negativety should be kept for adulhood and I am firm in the knowledge that being negative with any human being does irrevocable damage to that persons self esteem.

 

I am on a happy slab today.  I am going to mass.  My daughter Hope is making her confirmation today and its such a feel good sacrament.  Its the time in childrens lives were they make the decision for themselves that they do want to be Catholic.  I stand back and let them decide for themselves with no push from me.  The commitment they make will last a lifetime I hope.  In Scotland this is the sacrament that you require if you want to be a teacher in a Catholic school not that I think they'll ever need it.  Its a good one to have lol..

 

jacqui

To bed was my 5yr old sent.  A boy with an attitude and a matchpot of screaming red paint.  The 2 combined and all merry hell broke loose in my sitting room.  Devastation followed as many little people started to flee the scene.  Paint is taken on there feet.  Whilst I'm bellowing at them to stand still the frenzy goes on.  I'm not sure whether it was a moment of insanity or patience snapping but I just look to the ceiling and laughed.  Not much else to do.  For the briefest of seconds I was transported back in time to when Joy did exactly the same.  Only difference was her's was  a 5l tub and hers was white.  Same thing.,  Tantrum of the little people.

 

The paint has been cleaned up. The floor survived.  One of my sofas has a red hew down the stitching seam and since I cant do anything about it, I wont sweat.  My newish hall carpt may survive.  Will have to wait and see what it looks like when its dry.   Teenager did his best to clean it, following instruction my son is very good at.  Even under pressure Jamie works well lol.. I thought I was having a heart attack at one point but no, it was just my blood pressure rising.  Mental note to self is required.  Put all paint away.  Once everything was calm I did do the talk thing.  He does understand what he did wrong and with the big tears tumbling down I dont stay angry for long but he did have a pretty long time out.  He has returned to the sitting room.  Hes sitting very quietly and I just hope it lasts.

 

jacqui

I wont bother to blah blah about my annoyance.  I live and let live.  I do wonder why people cant just get on with there own lives.  Stop analysing those that dont concern them, ah.  I know.  Pride, envy, jealously.  You call it what you like.  I stick my tongue out at those trapped in the time warp of what used to be.  Hanging onto people long since moved on.  Shouting get a fkn life of your own doesnt hit.  I should maybe pat heads more but I got better things to do than pander to other peoples issues.

 

I may go back to my psychology degree soon.  My brain is bored.  I'm needing to read more.  God almighty, I've read half of my philosophy book this week and still fitted in another 4 books just for light reading.  I'm annoyed and I cant be bothered typing why.  As I always say other people can do what they like.  How I react is down to me, so I wont.  I feel myself holding back from typing stuff here.  Not good.

 

light on

jacqui

I had the weirdest of work days today.  I made reference to the telletubbies this morning.    It was before I had even left for work so went happily singing Tinky-winky, dipsy.  You know how it goes, or not lol. Nothing weird in that.  I went to work and walked into the kitchen.  Sitting on the worktop was a set of telletubbies  with a note that said for Jacqui.  No one knows where they came from.  Yesterday I kept hearing the name Kyle.  I dont know any Kyle but did say something was going to happen to a Kyle.  Billy has a son by that name and Findlay has a brother so thought nothing more about it.  A young guy came in this morning looking for a job.  His name?  Kyle.  It maybe  nothing but it all just felt a bit spooky.  I felt my hair stand on end.  Im not taking any chances.  Tomorrow morning, before work I'm going to mention something sensational, just in case.

 

Dinner to cook, chores to do.  I did have 3 fillings at the dentist this morning.  No sympathy is required, just thought I would mention it lol..

 

Enjoy your evening.

Living in hopeful light

jacqui

I thought I had lost my work key last night.  Its after 11pm and I suddenly decide to check for the morning.  I check the essentials.  Make up, ciggies. money, house keys, work keys.  Yes, in that order. Blah, blah.  The kids were playing with work key and it was the last place I looked.  Now if my kitchen worktop had been free of clean washing I would have found it quicker.  I can rise above it lol.  I just think when people know how much something irks someone they would half attempt not to do it.

 

In my world apathy abounds I guess.  Kids are exhausting, no matter how many there are.  I get up first and go to bed last.  I get tired.  It could be cos of those silly cerebal infarctions or because age is catching up with me.  Whatever I did say last week that I was having a problem coping.   Kids, noise, mess.  Being a constant ref to them all.   That I wasnt getting enough sleep.  How long did the help last 5 days.  5 days of I will get up with them and back to normal.  From the minute they get up they are screaming, fighting and generally being a total pain.  I think we need to return to family therapy and quick.

 

There is a positive.  2 of my kids are clean nuts so if anything is messed up they are cleaning it before my blood pressure increases.  My home is currently a mass of conflicting personalities and by the time anyone else gets up out there beds and notices; peace should be on a brief visit.  We're still doing the wacky text thing at work.  I got a bit fed-up & skipped Saturday but its interesting.  We work together, talk about our families but we as people, tend to get left behind.  Some are putting hopes and dreams and thats just the over 70's.  I'm impressed lol.  Some are too sexually based and some are just stupid.  I'm being random.  Yesterday they were told my charm bracelet charms match my age exactly.  So I do have a lot of charms and at least one toned forearm.  Better rush..

 

living in light

jacqui

So I have someone jumping up and down about the messenger blocker.  Someone who's email a/c I myself deleted blocked them a couple of months ago.  I'm not sure how an inactive hotmail a/c could block someone but the exact date was given and I had closed the email a/c months previously.  Unless they could guess the pssword of wanker they werent getting in.  I also changed the answer to there secret question.  So how the hell can that be possible??

 

I just found out that they had blocked me with my candydreams email a/c.  No biggie, never use it.  I would have thought I would have been worthy of deletion and blocking but heh, I dont take things personally haha.  I'm thinking that when you fall out with someone maybe shutting the email a/c is the safest option.  Well at least for them.  Except I already did that.  I'm sorry I'm being flip about it when someone else is taking it all too seriously.  Do not check an MSN blocker if you are in any way sensitive.  If you know someone called Allyson111 (I think) say hi from me, I cant she blocked me hahaha.

 

Off to do something useful

jacq

If I sent you an MSN block list checker I'm apologising.  It is not set in stone.  I do not block anyone  Why would I send to anyone I blocked.  O and if I didnt sent to you dont get paranoid either.  I just sent to a few, thats all.

 

Okay onwards.  Work was busy.  Bloody new till doesnt like having its till roll messed about with.  I put the float in this morning, shut the till and it wouldnt open.  We were open and although no change was required we did have sales gggrrr.  It eventually opened when I removed the till roll and put it back in.  Bloody stupid thing.  Its an irritation I dont see improving.  A bit like the sale of our Christmas goods.  Who would buy a tealight holder of Santa for £3.99.  I know its for a good cause but you would have to be retarded to pay out that much.

 

I started a new diet today  The joy of having to eat 3 meals a day is a joy I could seriously live without.  I struggle with meals.  I am a eat when I feel like it, eat what I want type.  3 meals is not to my liking. Ah well.  The Stovies for dinner didnt go quite to plan.  This is a recipe my gran taught my dad.  My gran would be 110yrs so its an old one.  These family recipes I like.  Its a bit like my homemade lentil soup recipe.  Its unique and if  I dont cook them and pass them down they will be lost.  Take-away united will take over the planet.  Anyway stovies are cooked with lorne sausages (square).  They have to be butcher bought, not the frozen type.  Long story short, I layered wrong and the sausage came out like mince.  The smell of 3hrs cooking was sensational.  Alas I couldnt eat them lol but the smell took me back to my childhood.  Some ate them, some didnt.  The lid of my huge dish melted with the heat from the oven but for me, stovies are a winner.  If I could find a veggie alternative to square sausages I would be in heaven.  I had very uninspiring grilled stuffed mushrooms.

 

jacqui

Its always chaos.  No matter how much prep work is dont its a shambles of missing shoes or school bags.  I like to think they move stuff to amuse each other, its a nicer thought.  I used to stress but somehow they always manage to get out the door at 8.45am.  I'm almost ready for work.  Shower was quick this morning for some reason.  I only give myself 3mins to shower and somehow I seem to take 20mins.  Mind drifting stuff, showers.

 

Anyway tonight dinner is Stovies.  I remember them for my childhood and loved them.  My neighbour Robert & I were talking about cooking and he reminded me of them.  I have told kids what they're made of and they're willing to try them so I will attempt my Dad's recipe and cross my fingers.  I'm not sure if its a Scottish dish or if everyone makes them.  Its a bit like potato scones.  We only have triangle one.  I remember a visit to England were I was given a square one.  Not only did it not look right, it didnt taste right.  Last night was Roast Beef and Yorkshire pudding.  I hate yorkshire batter.  It goes everywhere.  My batter isn't coming out right.  They fluff up, pour over the sides and make a good old mess.  Think I may give them up lol..

 

Better head

Have a great day all

jacqui

I search for understanding and dont always find it.  I started a young guy in work earlier this year.  The guy has learning difficulties and after talking to his Mum found out no one would give him a job.  Even the voluntary sector refused to take him.  After thinking about it I decided to start him for a day a week.  He now works with us 2 days and he's a wonderful human being, if a touch loud.  He can now read better and interacts with others with an inside voice.  Outside voice is all he knew.  The first couple of days were a nightmare with him.  All he did was shout lol.  Undersatnding that I could never get in his head and being prepared to just let him be was the key to him becoming a great asset to us at work.  He turned 19yrs old yesterday.  From a young guy who thought the world was crap to a young man who now gives compassion instead of thinking it wasn't part of his world makes me feel proud.

 

Well, I tried.  I went out on a date Friday night.  The pub I chose was one I go to sometimes when I get out so infrequently.  It was loud, not that I minded.  It started off with some rock music but as the night trotted on it got "normal".  That wasn't liked.  We decided to go to another pub.  The second was worse.  I think he just felt uncomfortable.  I'm a people watcher so give me a drink, sit me down and I'm happy anywhere.  I think we were both relieved when 11pm hit and we could get home.  We don't work.  The last time we went out was to my best friends 40th almost 3 years ago.  I got so drunk I dont even remember that but there was other people we knew so didnt spend all night together.  Friday just felt awkwad.  I'm not that big a drinker anymore and ended up drinking coke whilst he sat getting merrily happy.  I wont go further than Cumbernauld.  All we have is places to eat (I dont need to eat at night) or pubs.  Nothing else and maybe its a lesson.  Sit at home, let him work and be like I'm supposed to be; content, cos someone loves me.  Yeh, right.  You can kid yourself of anything.

 

Yesterday was a normal Saturday except I'm back to working in the morning.  I do have something to look forward to next week.  Big sis has had her care bill in.  The rehab unit upped her care needs and now she has been accessed at having £8 a month over the threshold.  She now has to pay £22 a week that she cant afford.  So now I'm going to have to take up the slack.  Her care she has decided she can live without.  No doubt I will have a list of chores to do lol.  Its not like she would ask but I know she cant do stuff like changing her bed, moving sofas for the hoover or washing her kitchen ceiling which must be done according to her?  I'm not sure if my guilt leads me to do things I wouldnt normally do but whatever it is.  You can bet next Saturday I'm up on a stool cleaning that ceiling.  Strange I rarely do my own.  Ah well, its all good.  She will have a clean ceiling.  I'm actually worried for her.  Her carers she sees everyday.  Without them some days she wont see anyone and I think she may slip back into depression.  I've never been sure she does all her exercise program.  I am  cynical but  know that happy face she gives to the world is a false one and alarm bells are going off.  I know shes my big sister and should go her own way.  I just worry her way is an awfully lonely one.  I know she must look at me sometimes and wonder why.

 

Sunday, not a good day for me so all I will say is have a great day.

 

living with light & hope

jacqui

I missed this morning.  I'm going back to journal or at last trying to.  I want to see if it still works for me.  I struggle to write things in a way I never did before.  I dont know whether its age, the fact I'm a parent or whether I've grown apathetic o my own life.  Why worry about things today when you can just put them off.  Another tme will do.  Negate responsibility and forget that stuff matters.  Maybe I'm scared.  Maybe if I do write it'll show up stuff that I would rather not deal with.  I guess thats ok.  I just wonder how many times in life I wont ask the questions that I know I should.

 

Maybe I'm needing to chuck my ipod?  Music.  I love my music and yet, despite changing it its just not movin me the same anymore.  Think I need a sleep.

 

lght on

jacqui

I think maybe we need to break everything to make something better of ourselves.  You have to do that alone. 

 Simply because no one else can.

Im off to break some eggs..

 

Light on

jacqui

Okay I'm here because this is more appealing that what I actually have to do this evening.  I have the girls bedroom to clean.  The floor is in there.  I'm sure I left one.  Think it has a cream carpet although I cant be sure.  I cant see any of the fkn floor (when I think the f word I do not abrieviate btw).  I can feel my rage welling.  The girls where given 48hrs to clean it or there would be dire consequences.  Ok the dire consequences are I cant get my bloody furniture out of my sitting room since its there room accross the hall;  why cant they just follow a simple polite instruction.  Bloody weans (the scot comes out when I'm pissed off). 

 

 Its like a conversation I had last night coming back from my friends house.  Its only 5 doors away but between her door and mine a guy walks towards me "huv yea goat a fag, uf ran oot an the garage is shut, yeh canny git a fag fur luv oor fk all"  Ok, it reads like its spoken so I reply Nogh a dont anif I hud why wud I giv u wan?  Huv ye no goat any at'o.  Ok boredom has set in and I say a dont smoke, he knows I'm lying but heh.   Off he trots to find someone kind enough to give him a cigarette.  I just dont see the question of huv yea a fag as a winner.

 

At work the text information has to start tomorrow.  We have to give one fact that is true about ourselves.  It wont be commented on or shared.  So if  I have your mobile number the text you will receive will not be for you but for a general all so if you get one that says I have tried every position in the Karma Sutra just ignore it.   I cant wait for them to not comment.

 

Enjoy your evening

light on

jacqui

A very long day.  I'm just glad to be home.  I was busy at work.  Off to Asda for the food shop and then bought the kitchen table.  I dont like pine.  It has pathetic legs and its finished badly.  I could get out my sander and sort it but to be honest after spending £300 on it think the finish will just have to do.  Why is it that nowadays wood just cant be left alone.  Everything needs to be "aged".  Pine is a beautiful wood and it ages well, if left alone.  Ah well saves waiting for years I guess.  It'll do, for now.  The great positive is the kids can all sit together to eat.  The teeny small little negative is I havent even began to cook this evening.  Tonight I have a fridge full of food and nothing prepared.  I have a new eye glass to play with so have been checking all my hallmarks haha.  Actually I have found that 3 bangles that I thought were cheap tat (H bought them) are actually 9ct gold.  I can wear them now lol.  Okay so the 20 bangles I now have on look excessive but at least I know they're all real.

 

Tomorrow I'm getting my sitting-room floor fitted.  My table is being delivered and I have to fit in some blood tests.  My head is so far up my arse currently I forgot about my flu jab.  Get this the surgery telephoned to tell me I had missed it and should phone to make another one.  What a complete waste of time. ah well.  Think I better go see what I can cook.  I have checked and signed all homework so now, I can be free lol..

 

living in light & hope

jacqui